Character Torture
by Shuna
Summary: What does a fanfiction writer do when he/she is upset? They write things like this. Lucius Malfoy/Harry Potter, Severus Snape/Rubeus Hagrid and Voldemort/Bellatrix.


**A.N: A good friend of mine, who carries the penname Anime Monster, told me once; "Misery does not love company, misery loves happiness." And one night when I was really upset for reasons I shall not mention, I started on this parody, or maybe more accurate: crack. It is madness, a mix of my drooling over Jason Isaacs (the actor who plays Lucius Malfoy), my need of happiness, a good dose of madness and self humiliation. So here you see, what I do write when I am not suprssing my madness...**

**Disclaimer: I try to tell myself that though I'm not English, do not have blond hair, still go to school and far to mad, I am J. K . Rowling. **

"DAMN IT!" Lucius Malfoy explodes. "I thought I was finally through this madness!"

"Sorry." Harry Potter doesn't even turn to look at Lucius. Instead his green eyes stare at the wall, like he wills a hole in it. "It was about time that you came back from your vacation too. We have been expecting you for a long time."

"You have, Potter." Severus Snape has that usual sneer at his face. He looks like he usually does actually. So we don't waste too much words on describing him.

"Hey!" Severus protests but no one hears him.

"I can't help it that I know this writer much better than everyone here!" Harry whines in a high pitched tone. "And you should thank me for that. My knowledge has saved our lives many times. So a thank you would be on it's place!"

"Now, now Harry." Rubeus Hagrid sighs. "Don't blame my sugar boy, he's like that to everyone." just as Hagrid says so, Severus hugs him. "Not to you, my teddy bear."

"Disgusting!" Bellatrix Lestrange mutters under her breath. "I don't understand why I have to stay here!"

"Because you and I was thought out, but never had any real action between us." Voldemort suddenly shows up too. His light is so bright that it works like the moon in a dark room. His eyes work like traffic lights and...

"Yes! We get it!" Draco Malfoy snaps in thin air. "Lke we all get that everyone here is a certain character. You don't need to describe them and put our full names and stuff."

"Aren't we OOC today?" Harry snickers.

"Am not!"

"There it was again!" Harry grins. "The real you would not say AM instead of I'M NOT which is the correct term. Neither would the real you use LKE instead of LIKE. Therefore you're OOC."

Draco's eyes light up in enlightenment. "Holy Dung! I am OOC!"

"There you did it again." Bellatrix picks her nose. "You would never use Holy Dung as a phrase. And you would keep on fighting because of your pride." After some thought she adds. "Why does the author of this ridiculous story insist on making us OOC by the way?"

"She probably finds it funny." Harry answers her. "Hey, you too! Keeps your clothes on, it's a T story!" He scolds Severus and Hagrid, who stops unbuttoning their trousers.

"But last time we were properly together, it was a T story too!" Hagrid protests.

"Lucky you." Draco's eyes trails over Severus' body, drooling a wee bit. "I was too depressed to do anything real when I was paired with Severus. And then he died!" He lets out a groan as he remembers.

Harry rolls his eyes. "That was in the days when the author was experimenting with the ratings. You see this author had a bit... fucked up childhood and don't knows too much of proper ratings. Besides she's still afraid of upsetting people, especially the Americans who has a lower tolerance of rating high."

"Ssssssssssssssssssooo sssssssssssshhhhhhheeeee ttthhiinnksssssssss." Voldemort adds, before he curses. " Ooooohhhhh nnnnnoooooo, nnnnnnoooooottttt aaaagggaaaaaiiiinnnn." He moans.

"My Lord, I thought you were done with that." Lucius, who has been very quiet for a while says in sympathy.

" Ssssssssssssssssssssoooooo ddiiddd eeeeeeeeyyyyyyyeeeee."

"I apologize about cutting this story dramatically, but can we get to the point?" Lucius turns to Harry. "Why am I here again, after some time off?"

"We all have had time off." Harry sighs before he takes off his glasses and starts polishing them. "But do you remember the old days when she started liking you?"

"Yes." Lucius shudders. "How can I ever forget?"

"And that she often did it when she was a bit..." Harry doesn't get to finish before Lucius starts crying.

"So," He forces between the sobs. "Do I have to go to her or take you first before I get to her?"

"... upset. Both I'm afraid. So..." Harry makes a face. "We better get started."

"Wait, I thought we couldn't have sex in a T fic?" Hagrid asks, pretty confused.

"No it's not a rule against sex in T fics." Severus explains patiently. "It's only that we can't have sex in public. We just dissapear behind these things which are scenes of a good documentary. Then the readers don't see what we're doing."

"Oh. So Lucius and Harry?" Hagrid moves his head towards Harry and Lucius who dutifully enough take each others hands and dissapear behind some scenes of a show called The Seven Deadly Sins.

"Apparently there's a story that this author came stumbling on a picture implying it, and after that..." Severus shrugs carelessly.

"Since we're alone now, you think we can get back to where we were?" He adds with sincere hope in his voice.

Hagrid smiles and scoops Severus up in his arms. And then they too dissapear. Their choice is behind a National Geographic documentary of Bengal Tigers.

"Did they have to choose that kind of documentary?" Bellatrix whines. "I wanted us to have that."

"We'll take the Everest one then." Voldemort suggests.

"I thought you were incapable of sex." Draco cuts in.

"Not here." Bellatrix explains. "So when he's in fanfic worlds he has sex like a rabbit."

"Come along Bellatrix!" And then they dissapear behind a documentary of someone climbing Mount Everest.

"Aw, all the ones I want are taken." Draco whines. "I'll just sit here and wait for the finish then. Maybe I can get to know if it's going to be an M or if it is in fact okay with a T rating. Those who read it if it does have to go to an M will be disappointed with the lack of real sex."

And for the rest of the fic Draco kept on rambling on, but since it was written late at night the author decided to write it like this so she could go to bed.


End file.
